- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a
fire in the craft it sank. . . . . proving once and for all that you
can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
- Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to
Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the
cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally,
became known as the lesser of two weevils.
- A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He
sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who
shot my paw. "
- A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much
for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge.
"
- Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each
other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No,
I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm
positive!"
- When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's
novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental
medication!
- A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them
to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in
an open foyer."
- A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a
hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and
would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p. m. One
afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was
dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly,
he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the
bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink
and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm
sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
- A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for
something to eat. He came across two men: one was sitting under a tree
and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The
lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even
the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
- Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only
one carrion allowed per passenger."
- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
- Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also
ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him .... what? A super
callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
- There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent
in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would
win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
- This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while
in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says,
"I'll just have the eggs benedict. "His order comes a while
later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter,
"What's with the fancy plate?" The waiter replies,
"There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!
- A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they
are twins -if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
- A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor!
Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,
"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
- Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one
carrion allowed per passenger."
- Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low
earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
- A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see that
her name is is Patricia Whack. He says, "Ms. Whack, I 'd like to
take out a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks
at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name, and the frog says
that his name is Kermit Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank
manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial sum and that he
will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he
has anything he can us as collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have
this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an
inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti
explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears
into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog
called Kermit Jagger out there that claims to know you and wants to
borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds
up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti
Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."
- Some friars were behind on the belfry payments, so they opened up a small
florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back
and begged the friars to close down. They ignored him. He asked his
mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her,
too.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest, toughest and
most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the
friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close
shop. Terrified, the friars did so -- thereby proving that.......
Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
- Le theif
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several
paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime,
breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the
goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van
ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an
obvious error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
- The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the
piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass
violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time
looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the
tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in
quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We
need to get back!"
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need
some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score
together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took
their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience
noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her
companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom
of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
- Melting Silver
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a
beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who
owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I
do...Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just
thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was
ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water
and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger
turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and
see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel
better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around
Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to
the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with
him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,
"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."
- Mathematics...
There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an
island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting
over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send
their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.
The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp
and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights,
and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing
armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had 20
knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also
busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was
only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung
it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the
meal, while the knight polished his own armor.
When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires
out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in).
The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was
the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from
the other two kingdoms,
... thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to
the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
- A Dog Named Mace
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace.
Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's
lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside.
The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic
was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench,
losing it in the tall grass.
He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call
it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass
in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and
saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight.
Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and
proclaimed,
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"
- Rooster Bells
Uncle John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters. The roosters
were there for one purpose-to fertilize the eggs. Uncle John kept
records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the
pot to be cooked for supper. The unfortunate victims were then replaced
by another, hopefully, more productive candidate.
Now this took an enormous amount of time. So when Uncle John found a
set of eight tiny bells (that each rang a different tone), he promptly
bought them. He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so
the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on
each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep.
Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency
report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells
and marking down each encounter.
His favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was
and yet as Uncle John sat listening, Brewster's bell did not ring at all
that morning. He went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing
pullets, bells a-ringing.
But Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak
up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Uncle John was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county
fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation.
They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet
Surprise.
- Doughboy Dead at 71...
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday
of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in
one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.
Dozens of celebrities turned out including: Mrs.Butterworth,
the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the
Hostess Twinkies. The gravesite was piled high with flours
and longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy,
describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was
kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was
filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very
smart cookie, squandering much of his dough on half-baked
schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model
for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They
have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held
at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
- Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family
were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were
unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for
whom the Tells bowled.
- A marine biologist developed a race of genetically
engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were
fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the
birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On
the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid
to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately,
he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across
sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
- A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American
folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who
indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure
cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist
expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and
said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs
enemas?"
- Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts
wanted to produce other products and, since they already
made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market
compasses for pioneers traveling west. It turned out that
although their watches were of finest quality, their
compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada
or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the
origin of the _expression: "He who has a Tates is lost!"
- A thief broke into the local police station and stole all
the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying,
"We have absolutely nothing to go on."
- An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the
medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man
took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the
chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one
inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine
man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief
shrugged and said, "The thong is ended but the malady
lingers on."
- A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and
found his name missing from the town register. His wife
insisted on complaining to the local civic official who
apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my
census."
- There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin,
one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippo-
potamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two
each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus
skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other
two hides.
