Corporations and Cows
- AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
- You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an
IPO on the second one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four
cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an
announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing
expenses. Your stock goes up.
- FRENCH CORPORATION
- You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You
go to lunch. Life is good.
- A JAPANESE CORPORATION
- You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth
the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and
market them World-Wide.
Or... You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size
of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to
travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their
class at cow school.
- A GERMAN CORPORATION
- You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blond, drink
lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an
hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of paid vacation per
- A BRITISH CORPORATION
- You have two cows. Both are mad.
- AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
- You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling
around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is
- A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
- You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn
you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and
learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. The Mafia shows
up and takes over however many cows you really have.
- A SWISS CORPORATION
- You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge
others for storing them.
- AN INDIAN CORPORATION
- You have two cows. You worship them.
- POLISH CORPORATION
- You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed
attempting to milk them.
- A CHINESE CORPORATION
- You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim
full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
newsman who reported the numbers.
- AN ISRAELI CORPORATION
- So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk
factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights.
They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who
- AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION
- You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...
- LMTAS (Lockheed Martin Tactical Aircraft Systems)
- You have two cows. You lay one off, force your remaining cow to
produce the milk of 6 cows , while performing the work of a bull and a cow,
which will help pay for LEAN milking machines that are ISO 14001 certified.
- AEROSPACE SECTOR
- They found out about what happened to the two cows at
LMTAS and engaged SAP to develop a software system to use to improve milking
operations. This resulted in consolidating all LEAN milking machines at a
service center location near a Valley Forge, PA dairy farm and labeled it a
Best Practices 21 cost savings. However, as soon as sector heads discovered
the SAP process was not working as well as intended, allowing too much cream
to gather visibly at the top, they altered the system using a new process
called Early Removal Process (ERP) to siphon off the cream as it starts to
become visible at the top, and send it to Skunk Works in black opaque boxes
marked "classified" so no one can see the contents. Once on the California
high desert, it is forever forgotten, being out of sight and can be
gradually retired and sent to a California-unique, environmentally safe,
waste dump known as a "senior-citizen mobile home park" southeast of the
Chino, CA dairy farms.
See also World Ideologies and Cows.