World Ideologies As Explained By Reference to Cows
- You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
- PURE SOCIALISM
- You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with
everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government
gives you a glass of milk.
Or... You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your
neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
- BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM
- Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the
chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives
you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
- You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of
them, and sells you the milk.
- PURE COMMUNISM
- You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about
who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one
works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
Or... You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with
milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and
- RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
- You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes
all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the
- You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all
the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free"
- CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM
- You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
- You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
- PURE DEMOCRACY
- You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
- LIBERAL DEMOCRACY
- You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must
sell them both in order to support a man in a foreign country who has
only one cow which was a gift from your government.
- REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
- You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the
- You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them
and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes
both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then
it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
- You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows,
because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
- CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
- You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of
- PURE ANARCHY
- You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your
neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
- You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
- You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica
- You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling
violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the
moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a
suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the
Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its
parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition,
severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a
multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led
out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one
ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at
its Beijing restaurant.
- DEMOCRAT, AMERICAN
- You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows,
forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.
The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your
You feel righteous.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
- You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
- You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.
- NEW YORK
- You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be
the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
See also Corporations and Cows.