Out of the Mouth of Babes
The following statements about the bible were (supposedly) written by children and
have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in):
- In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating
the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the
animals come on to in pears.
- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
- The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble
with the unsympathetic Genitals.
- Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
- Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread which is bread without any ingredients.
- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went
up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
- The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
- Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
- Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to
stand still & he obeyed him.
- David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with
the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
- Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
- When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
- When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
- Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
- St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others
before they do one to you.
- He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
- It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead & managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
- The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was
St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which
is another name for marriage.
- A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
See also Things Children Say,
Weird Science Answers and
Weird History Answers.