Weird History Answers
Of 8th grade through College 'student reports':
- Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that
the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
- The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of
their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
- Moses led the hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on
Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
- Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
- The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't
have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
- Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that
- Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
- In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
threw the java.
- Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long.
- Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
- Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
- In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the
futile ages was Chaucer.
- Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
- It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because
he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake
circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
- The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was
born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much
money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish
was to be laid by Juliet.
- Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
- During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His
ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
- Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were
two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered
electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse
divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is
- Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure
domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right
to keep bare arms.
- Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the
theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving
picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
- Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Gravity
was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn
when the apples are falling off the trees.
- Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote
loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling
for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
- The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in
the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest
queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.
- Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he
kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the
most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half
German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
- The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing
by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the
work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx
See also Weird Science Answers and
Weird Test Answers.