Q&A For New Parents

Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?

A: Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?

A: Have sex once a year.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?

A: Then the jig is up.

Q: My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?

A: Your therapist.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?

A: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q: Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rearend, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?

A: Yes, your bladder.

Q: Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?

A: Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A: Cause you're fatter then they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question, dipshit?

Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?

A: No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?

A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Q: What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?

A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?

A: Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?

A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?

A: Yes, baby lips.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: How does one sanitize nipples?

A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q: What are the terrible twos?

A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?

A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: What is the grasp reflex?

A: The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.

Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?

A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q: What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?

A: They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: What is colic?

A: A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q: What are night terrors?

A: Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.