Laws of Golf
- LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to
come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the
supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a
summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
- LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost
immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter
increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
- LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this
cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive
the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
- LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If
one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut
- LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his
playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the
wrath of the universe.
- LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he
deems himself as an instructor.
- LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to
humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
- LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
- LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
- LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it
works against you?
- LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point
from the clubhouse.
- LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger
than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into
will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted
murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
- LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
- LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one
another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
- LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
- LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt."
Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy
- LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be
the one who beats you.
- LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust
your score to what it really should be.
- LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
- LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until