Doctors' Notes

These are "supposedly" Actual Doctors' Notes On Patient's Charts:

• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
• On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
• She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

• Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient refused an autopsy.
• The patient has no past history of suicides.
• Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

• Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
• Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
• Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
• She is numb from her toes down.

• While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
• The skin was moist and dry.
• Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Too Far Up!)

• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
• Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
• Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

• The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
• Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
• The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
• Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
• Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
• Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.