The Cynic's Guide To Life

  1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
  2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
  3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
  4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

  5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
  6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
  7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
  8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

  9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever- the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is".
  10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
  11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
  12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

  13. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
  14. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
  15. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
  16. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

  17. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  18. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  19. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  20. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

  21. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
  22. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, then it was probably worth it.
  23. Pain and suffering is inevitable but misery is optional.
  24. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.