The Cynic's Guide To Life
- Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your
underwear during a fire drill.
- Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later,
you'll inhale a bee.
- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me
- If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another
road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
- If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets
the message across like a good mooning.
- When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's
dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
- It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal
the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
- A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That
way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run
your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
- Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups:
the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the
- Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows
- Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the
- When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to
remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an
- It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
- This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
- We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
- It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
- If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
- If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, then it was probably worth it.
- Pain and suffering is inevitable but misery is optional.
- Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get
off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.