Bumper Snickers and One-Liners

Many of these are mostly supposedly-real bumper stickers, t-shirt sayings or email taglines. Others are just funny one-liners. Disclaimer: the following do not necessarily reflect my true feelings on *any* subject ;-)

• I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
• I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
• Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
• I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
• Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

• There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
• Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
• Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
• Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
• I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

• Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
• My Reality Check bounced.
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
• I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
• You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

• Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for thou art you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
• Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
• Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and then they beat you with experience.
• Motto of the Bomb Squad: If you see us running, you better catch up.
• The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
• Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
• It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

• Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
• If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
• COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
• The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

• Sky's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
• The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
• Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
• Poker rules supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
• Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.

• She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
• Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. (engineering guideline)
• Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
• A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.

• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
• Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
• Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
• OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
• Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
• I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
• Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.

• Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them.
• Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
• Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.

• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
• There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

• Keep honking...I'm reloading
• Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines.
• The face of a child can say it all....especially the mouth part of the face.
• Our lady of blessed acceleration, dont fail us now! -- Elwood Blues
• Remember: Silly is a state of mind, stupid is a way of life.

• The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
• So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
• If, a two letter word for futility
• Help wanted: Telepathy. You know where to apply.

• Hang up and drive.
• WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
• Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
• I love animals...they're delicious.
• I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

• The law of Probability Dispersal decrees that whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
• Indecision is the key to flexibility.
• There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• The facts, although interesting, are usually irrelevant.

• The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
• If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind to blame.
• The trouble with life is that you are halfway through it before you realize it's a "do it yourself" thing.
• Drink varnish and you'll have a lovely finish.
• We can sympathize with a child who is afraid of the dark, but the tragedy of life is that most people are afraid of the light.

• Down with gravity!
• People who eat natural foods die from natural causes.
• Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind then it really doesn't matter.
• An expert is nothing more than an ordinary person away from home.
• If you can't be kind, be vague.

• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

• Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

• For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

• Think 'HONK' If You're Telepathic
• It's been lovely but I have to scream now
• Bad Spellers of the World UNTIE
• This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me.
• I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

• I am the evil twin.
• Let's put the FUN back in dysFUNctional
• Don't give me that attitude - I've got my own
• Vegetarian: Indian word for 'Bad Hunter'
• 5 out of 4 people are schizophrenic

• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
• I childproofed my house, but they still get in.
• T-shirt: On the front- 60 is not old.
  On the back- If you're a tree.

• I'm still hot. It just comes in flashes.
• At my age, "getting lucky" means finding my car in the parking lot.
• Life is short, make fun of it.
• I'm not 50. I'm $49.95 plus tax.
• Annapolis--A drinking town with a sailing problem.

• I need somebody bad. Are you bad?
• Physically pffffffft!
• Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.
• I'm not a snob. I'm just better than you are.
• Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.

• Keep staring....I may do a trick.
• We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic.
• It's my cat's world. I'm just here to open cans.
• Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture.
• Dangerously under-medicated.

• My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it's gone.
• Every time I hear the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
• Live your life so that when you die, the preacher won't have to tell lies at your funeral.
• In God we trust. All others we polygraph.

• Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.