Lessons Learned, by Dave Barry
25 things I have learned in 50 years (supposedly by Dave Barry)
- The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the
number of helicopters in it.
- You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.
- People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent
sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
- The most valuable function performed by the federal government is
- You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
emerging from her at that moment.
- A penny saved is worthless.
- They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never
be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is
hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet
except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle
East will be bitter enemies.
- The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
- The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
- There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
- There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
- People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.
- There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer
that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need
a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through
millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT
ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives
turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the
computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING
IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR
QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so
on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.
- Nobody is normal.
- At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very
excited and announce that:
- The universe is even bigger than they thought!
- There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
- Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
- If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that
word would be "meetings."
- The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to
annoy people who are not in them.
- The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite
of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
- If the advertisement says "This is not your father's
Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this
Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old
farts like your father.
- If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that
there are significant differences between these two products, both
companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
- If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable
athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the
fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability
- If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing
the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date,
Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how
good a beer tastes.
- If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all
of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will
not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
- You should not confuse your career with your life.
- A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
- No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
- When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very
often, that individual is crazy.
- Your friends love you anyway.
- Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.