The Point System

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

In the world of romance, even marriage, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties

You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car ( +1)
You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station (-1)
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb (+1)
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am just as the truck pulls away (-1)
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish (+1)
You leave dishes in the sink (-1)
You leave them under the bed (-5)
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her father ... or her pet (-10)

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (or looks like it) (-8)
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly (+1)
When mingling, you introduce her as "the old' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump (-5)
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you" (+1)
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed" (-6)
That woman is her sister (-90)
You have one drink, and that's it (0)
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle (-2)
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted (-18)

Things Of A Disgusting Nature

You unclog a stopped-up toilet (+6)
You clean up cat, dog or human vomit (+7)
You get rid of a dead rodent (+8)
You remove the collie from the thresher (+12)
You take her mother to see Cats (+16)

Saturday Afternoon

You go to the mall together (+3)
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car (+4)
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar (-2)
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it (+3)
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional (0)
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk (+3)
Most of it chips and beer (-6)
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den (+15)
Or refinishing the floors (+16)
Or rewiring the basement (+17)
Or adding a second floor (+18)
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket (-6)
And you're tickled pink about it (-15)
You visit her parents (+1)
You visit her parents and actually make conversation (+3)
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television (-3)
And the television is off (-6)
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear (-6)
And you didn't even go to college (-10)
And it's not your underwear (-15)

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player (+3)
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing (+4)
And you stink (+2)
And you're not half bad (+5)
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause (-2)
You give her a gift (0)
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance (-10)
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance (+1)
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate (+2)
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months (+30)
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day (-10)
With her credit card (-30)
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big (-40)

Thoughtfulness

You forget her birthday completely (-10)
You forget your anniversary (-20)
You forget to pick her up at the bus station (-25)
Which is in Newark, New Jersey (-35)
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast (-50)

A Night Out With The Boys

Go out with a pal (-5)
The pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Mustang (-10)
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) (-15)

A Night Out

You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called Death Cop 3 (-3)
Which features cyborgs having sex (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too" (-800)

Grooming

You trim your nails (+5)
You trim your nails in the living room (-10)
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat (-15)
You shave on the weekends (+2)
You don't shave on the weekends (-4)
You don't bathe on the weekends either (-8)
But then, neither does she (-1)

Driving

You lost the directions on a trip (-4)
You lost the directions and end up getting lost (-10)
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town (-15)
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal (-25)
You know them (-60)

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-30)

(A quick pointer, There is no right answer to this question. Mumble something like, "I Love You, honey...")

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep (-20)

Good luck!

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Last Updated: August 18, 2005