Redneck Rules of Etiquette
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private
using one's OWN truck keys.
- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
covering the label.
Entertaining in your Home
- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his
Dating (Outside the Family)
- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
- Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two
years ago. "
- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
10:00 pm; Others might say Monday. If it is the latter, it is the man's
responsibility to get her to school on time.
- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.Tests have proven they
can't hear you.
- Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- Kissing the bride more than five seconds may get you shot.
- For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and
a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. Though
uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded
and the deer is in sight.
- When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
- Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
- When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring beer back.
- Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
- Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Tips for all Occasions
- Never take a beer to a job interview.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-haul to the funeral home.