Redneck Rules of Etiquette

Personal Hygiene

• While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
• Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
• Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dining Out

• When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
• If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining in your Home

• A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
• Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.

Dating (Outside the Family)

• Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
• Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago. "
• Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 pm; Others might say Monday. If it is the latter, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette

• Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
• Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings

• Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
• Kissing the bride more than five seconds may get you shot.
• For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette

• Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
• When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
• Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
• When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring beer back.
• Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
• Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Tips for all Occasions

• Never take a beer to a job interview.
• Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
• It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
• If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
• Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-haul to the funeral home.