Miscellaneous Lawyer Jokes

Just as an up-front disclaimer, I do have a number of good friends who happen to be lawyers so I can testify that lawyers are not all evil. In fact, many of them enjoy good lawyer jokes too. You might be surprised how many lawyer jokes are on bar association, lawfirm or legal websites. Amazon has books full of them. ~jeff

Professional "Courtesy"
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give the advice to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Quickie Lawyer Jokes
  1. How many lawyer jokes are there?
    Only One. The rest are true stories.
  2. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
  3. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
    She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
  4. How does an attorney sleep?
    First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
  5. How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
    How many can you afford?
  6. How many personal injury attorneys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
  7. How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
    Who knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
  8. How many judges does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Just one; he holds it still and the whole world revolves around him.
  9. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
  10. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
    And his son? Bill.
  11. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
  12. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
  13. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50 ? Your honor.
  14. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
  15. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.
  16. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
    Nothing. There are some things a pig just won't do.
  17. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
    The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
  18. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
    Removable wing tips.
  19. What's the last difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
    Vultures wait until you're dead to rip your heart out.
  20. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
    New Jersey got first choice.
  21. Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
    Cats keep trying to bury them.
  22. What do you call 100 lawyers up to their neck in sand?
    Not enough sand.
  23. What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
    A good start. (Unless you are an environmentalist; then you would consider this indiscriminate dumping of hazardous waste.)
  24. What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
    A tick falls off of you when you die.
  25. How do you tell when a lawyer is lying?
    His lips are moving.
  26. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
    Both have a 1 in 3,000,000 chance of becoming a human being.
  27. What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
    One's an ugly, scum-sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.
  28. Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to lawyers for their experiments?
    1. Lawyers are more plentiful than rats;
    2. The lab technicians don't get as attached to the lawyers,
    3. There are some things a rat just won't do, and
    4. This is one area where the animal rights activists won't get worked up over.
  29. What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before he is arrested?
    An accomplice.

    What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after he is arrested?
    A lawyer.

  30. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. Your gun has only two bullets. What should you do?
    Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
  31. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
    An offer you can't understand.
  32. A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than 500 lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
  33. What do lawyers and nuclear weapons have in common?
    If one side has one, the other side has to have one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw everything up forever.
Courtroom Tactics
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."

Got Him!

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was sure he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUMP". Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

Who sleeps in the barn?

A lawyer and two friends (a lawyer with friends? ok, you know this is a joke), a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn.

"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I am grateful to you , but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door.

"What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks.

The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood.... the pig and the cow.

Who do you sue?
Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a doctor took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys.

The doctor kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said, "I think I will get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the doctor. "I'll get it for you."

While the doctor was gone, one of the attorneys picked up one of the, doctor's shoes and spat in it. When he returned with the coke the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the doctor obligingly went to fetch the coke. While he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The doctor returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the doctor slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on," asked the doctor, "this fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

Mrs. Jones Knows All

During a trial, in a small Missouri town, the local prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God.

The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the Grandmother type, well spoken and poised. The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster." "Yes, I know you quite well."

The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then, slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the courtroom and the audience was on the verge of chaos.

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, you're going to jail."

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

As I'm sure you would expect, there are tons (proverbially-speaking since they don't weigh anything) of lawyer jokes posted all around the web. Just google for lawyer jokes or try a few of these sites. Warning: many lawyer jokes on other sites are certainly more harsh or less clean than what I've posted here.

Thanks to Seth Haber's "Joke du Jour" list for a few of these.