The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)
Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)...
- Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
- Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
- Armor: Drives over snake, laughs, and looks for more
snakes.
- Aviation: Has 12-digit grid coordinates of snake from GPS.
FAC gives steer to target. Can't find snake. Returns to base
for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
- Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
- Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target
barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support.
Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral
damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants
(inc. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
- Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State
Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of
Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its
heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous
claim for travel pay settlement upon return.
- Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal
thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat
snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver
forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal
counter-snake ops.
- Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval
gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites
SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in
which SEALS kill myriad extremist snakes.
- Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of
ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate
Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-
effective means of anti-snake force projection.
- Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for
souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces
from Area of Operations.
- Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
- Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
- Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter,
then works feverishly to save snake's life.
- Supply: (NOTICE Your anti-snake equipment is backordered.)
- Transport pilot: Air-drops expired snakebite kits two grid
squares away on roof of children's hospital.
- F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mi-24 Hind
helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake
kill on aircraft fuselage.
- F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs,
misses snake target, demolishes embassy 4 km east of snake due
to weather. Cites inclement weather (Too Hot, Too Cold, Clear
but overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low
cloud cover etc.) Suggests procurement of million-dollar, air-
to-ground anti-snake bomb.
- AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, cold-blooded
snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in
desert AOs without power lines or SAMs.
- UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after
snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS-17 to mark
Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
- B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake
and every other living thing within two miles of target.
- Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20
seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command
Authority to use weapons.
- Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35
indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess
the potential for snake activity as LOW.
- Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite,
citing grounds of professional courtesy.