Locating a Submarine

from Military Jokes and Humor: Locating a Submarine

High on the Navy's list of priority problems is that of Anti-Submarine Warfare (ASW). The detection and localization of a submarine has proven to be a very difficult problem, indeed. The following methods are a few that have been advanced to help in this area.

  1. The Physicist's Method: Irradiate the ocean with high-energy neutrons so that H2O becomes 4H2O. Submarines will become excessively buoyant and cannot submerge. Their disposition can then be undertaken with leisure.
  2. The Chemist's Method: Place in the ocean large quantities of lysergic acid. The fish population becomes terrified at the prospect of loneliness and clusters about submarines in a frenzy of affection and admiration, thereby constricting the movement of submarines to a level of difficulty.
  3. The Engineer's Method: Construct a large filter system having a mesh of about eight meters and pump ocean water through it at the rate of 15 million liters a day. This will recirculate the oceans daily. Because of the mesh filter, only submarines will be trapped.
  4. The Mathematician's Method: Construct a large Klein bottle that can contain the necessary numbers of submarines. Note that the submarines are initially outside this bottle. However, the outside of a Klein bottle is also its inside. Therefore, the submarines are inside this bottle. (Two dimensional submarines may be disposed of by a suitable Mobius strip)
  5. The Ballistician's Method: Equip all surface ASW ships with green paint. On detecting a submarine, spread the paint over the sea surface and remain quiet. The submarine rises to investigate, but its periscope becomes covered with green paint. It, therefore, believes itself to be underwater and continues to rise. When it reaches a convenient altitude, shoot it down with Anti-Aircraft Fire.
  6. The Economist's Method: Induce the United States of America to use seawater rather than gold to support its currency. The French will immediately start to sequester it in their vaults in such quantities that by the time supply and demand curves cross, the submarines will either be (A) aground, or (B) locked up in French safe-deposit boxes.