Locating a Submarine
from Military Jokes and Humor:
Locating a Submarine
High on the Navy's list of priority problems is that of Anti-Submarine
Warfare (ASW). The detection and localization of a submarine has proven to
be a very difficult problem, indeed. The following methods are a few that
have been advanced to help in this area.
- The Physicist's Method: Irradiate the ocean with
high-energy neutrons so that H2O becomes 4H2O. Submarines will become
excessively buoyant and cannot submerge. Their disposition can then be
undertaken with leisure.
- The Chemist's Method: Place in the ocean large
quantities of lysergic acid. The fish population becomes terrified at
the prospect of loneliness and clusters about submarines in a frenzy
of affection and admiration, thereby constricting the movement of
submarines to a level of difficulty.
- The Engineer's Method: Construct a large filter
system having a mesh of about eight meters and pump ocean water through
it at the rate of 15 million liters a day. This will recirculate the
oceans daily. Because of the mesh filter, only submarines will be trapped.
- The Mathematician's Method: Construct a large Klein
bottle that can contain the necessary numbers of submarines. Note that
the submarines are initially outside this bottle. However, the outside
of a Klein bottle is also its inside. Therefore, the submarines are inside
this bottle. (Two dimensional submarines may be disposed of by a
suitable Mobius strip)
- The Ballistician's Method: Equip all surface ASW
ships with green paint. On detecting a submarine, spread the paint over
the sea surface and remain quiet. The submarine rises to investigate,
but its periscope becomes covered with green paint. It, therefore,
believes itself to be underwater and continues to rise. When it reaches
a convenient altitude, shoot it down with Anti-Aircraft Fire.
- The Economist's Method: Induce the United States of
America to use seawater rather than gold to support its currency. The
French will immediately start to sequester it in their vaults in such
quantities that by the time supply and demand curves cross, the submarines
will either be (A) aground, or (B) locked up in French safe-deposit boxes.