Help for Outsiders Visiting the Midwest
IN AN EFFORT TO HELP OUTSIDERS UNDERSTAND THE MIDWEST UNITED
STATES, THE FOLLOWING LIST WILL BE HANDED TO EACH DRIVER
ENTERING THE AREA:
- That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work
before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
- It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slow you drive,
you're going to get dust on your SUV. I have a four-wheel drive
because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
- We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years
old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
- Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women
will get you whipped... by our women.
- Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us
if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a
name for those little trout you fish for...bait.
- Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
- If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are
making approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't
have it up to your ear at the time.
- That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth
for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
- No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order a
steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and
pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
- You can bring Coke into my house but it better be brown,
wet, and served over ice.
- So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on
weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million
dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
- Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We
stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
- Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want
to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
- Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too - and turtle. You really
want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
- They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it.
Don't like it? Interstate 70, 80 & 90 go two ways. Interstate
29, 35, & 75 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
- The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
- So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being
friendly. Understand the concept?
- Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the ball into the
water hazard. It spooks the fish.
- That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for
driving like an idiot, his name is, "Sir"... no matter how old
Now, enjoy your visit and go home.
(mentioned in the langalist and elsewhere)