April 1 2003, Annapolis, MD: In a surprise move Maryland Governor Robert Ehrlich has abandoned his quest to bring slot machines to Maryland and instead is taking Maryland to the slot machines. In a daring pre-dawn attack, Maryland State Police, National Guard and MTA Bus drivers invaded Delaware and captured the State Capital at Dover.
The mission was delayed for several hours as the attacking force frantically searched Wilmington looking for the capital building before they checked the map and saw the big star was on the city of Dover, some 50 miles south. "Who Knew?" said a gleeful Governor Ehrlich, "At least it's a small enough state that the troopers were able to correct their mistake and take the capital by surprise."
The daring pre-dawn raid was accomplished with virtually no bloodshed. The only casualty occurred when a wheel fell off one of the MTA buses and bounded across 2 lanes of traffic on Route 13 striking and immediately killing a Delaware State Trooper in a Dunkin Donuts parking lot.
Ehrlich said that now that he had control of the Delaware slots empire and all of that massive revenue from the 17 toll booths on Delaware's 23 mile stretch of I-95 there would be no need to have slots at the Maryland race tracks. In addition "I have authorized the Department of Public Works to begin immediate excavations at Dewey Beach to find all of the Pirate's Gold hidden under the sand."
When questioned further on the likelihood of Pirate treasure under the sands at the resort, Ehrlich confided that he had found a Map that was apparently left behind by former Governor Parris "The Rover" Glendening that indicated that Dewey was the location for "Lots of Booty" especially in summer months.
State Comptroller William Donald Schaefer was working at his desk at 4:30 this morning when the first reports came in that Delaware had been invaded. "I can't wait to push through the 6 year 12 percent retroactive corporate Income Tax over there!! Whooo hoo! Ka-Ching! Ka zammy Whoa Nelly yee haw."
With Delaware secured, West Virginians are nervous.
"He better not be gittin' any idears bout vadin' Wester Virginny'" said the commander of the 100,000 member Martinsburg Militia, Hatfield McCoy. "I tell yuh wut, He knows better. But to be certain we are sendin our 430 Bass boat navy onto the Potomac right now."
Ehrlich stated that he had no plans to invade West Virginia, "Are you Nuts?" Ehrlich stammered when questioned by reporters, "The Dental insurance liability alone would neutralize the gains we just got from Delaware. West Virginia will remain West Virginia. But Delaware, well, that's now called Slotsylvania County, Maryland."
In far northern Delaware, thousands of White Collar refugees were streaming across the Pennsylvania border. Brandywine Valley Bed and Breakfasts were overflowing with hollow-eyed yuppies now faced the looming specter of state sales tax, state income tax and having to call waitresses "Hon".
"I'd rather die in Pennsylvania, than live in a Delaware that is no longer free." Proclaimed Jean Luc Jaques e.i. de neuf du beouf duPont XIV, formerly of Wilmington.
"All I have is the Armani suit on my back and a Mercedes Trunk full of stock certificates, but I'll make it somehow."
According to a very reliable source (The Onion ;-), "Deficit-Wracked Maryland Calls It Quits"