New Medications for Women

The Food and Drug Administration has just announced the following drugs have been released for trial in the US. These are the newest medications for women, available only by prescription.

D A M I T O L

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

ST. M O M ' S W O R T

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N

Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O

Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

D U M E R O L

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

F L I P I T O R

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N

Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength B U Y-O N E-A L

When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

J A C K A S S P I R I N

Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A

spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

S E X C E D R I N

More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

R A G A M E T

When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.