Guyness Quotient Test
Are you a Guy? Or ever wanted to be? Maybe you're one of those "Few
Good Men." Find out - take this Scientific Quiz to determine "Your
- Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You
- Present it to the President of the United States.
- Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
- Take it apart.
- Ask someone how the hell I became a character on the X-Files.
- As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss
- Cherry bombs.
- Spiderman Pajamas.
- When is it okay to kiss another male?
- When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard
for narrow-minded social conventions.
- When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
- When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the
only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for
business reasons, you have to have him killed.
- When no one else is looking.
- What about hugging another male?
- If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
- If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this
case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging
food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way
- If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits
a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
- He is legally within the basepath,
- Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
- You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough
to cause fractures.
- When he is stealing something that belongs to me (the hug
is usually applied around the neck).
- Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
- ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
- ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
- ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
- ...get free flowers for mom.
- In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
- A cat.
- A dog.
- A dog that eats cats.
- There is no such thing. only if the pet can use the
toilet, do dishes and laundry is it ideal...and even that is a
bit of a stretch.
- You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday
afternoon the two of you are taking it easy--you're watching a football
game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue
sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no
longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is
going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only
whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do
- That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but
you don't want to rush it.
- That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a
lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
- That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
- Yes, we do have a future as long as she quits asking those stupid questions.
- Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the
sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and
opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you
- You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
- You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair
and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
- Tell her what?
- Yeah, right!
- One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her
- "Do they need to eat or anything?"
- "They're in school already?"
- "There are three of them, right?"
- What kind of wife are you anyway?
- When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
- When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally
intended for your legs.
- When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules
and has to be handled with tweezers.
- It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not
naming names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying
to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of,
because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with
it than with her.
- I don't wear underwear.
- What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
before they finally got to the Promised Land?
- He was being tested.
- He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
- He refused to ask for directions.
- God was looking at the map upside down when giving moses directions.
- What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
- Remote control
- bbq and beer
- How to Score:
- Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer
"C." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test.