The Man Code
This is it. So it has been written, so it shall be.... The CODE
- Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat.
- Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
- Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
- When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother,
father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not
and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his
whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
- Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must
bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
- You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent
without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to
call BULLSH1T (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable
exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
- If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
- The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10
minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe
- Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's
refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is
- No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional
and slightly gay.
- Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your
buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get
carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with her,
your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
- Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his
permission and he in return is required to grant it.
- Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
pick a buffalo wing clean.
- If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem. * You didn't see
- The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
- A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
- When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
- When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny
friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be
able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about
joining the priesthood.
- It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and a topless supermodel delivers
it...and it's free.
- Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
- A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
- If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you
must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his
actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good
ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
- Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight
lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers." "Nice ass, are you a
- Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
- If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring
to his beer.
- Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when
she's withholding sex pending your response.
- Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal
footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other
situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
- If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may
not join him...too gay.