If Dogs Sent Letters to God - Answered!

(This version adds made-up answers 'from God' as written by my friend Kyle Powderly. And, while he is a pastor, his weird sense of humor probably invalidates any guarantee of theological correctness. ;-)

Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

I know - I created them with free will and the first thing they do is get all uptight about That Place, especially when it comes to Me. They act like I've never seen one. Seen 'em all. Enjoy the sniffing!

When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Couch, chair, Throne of Grace - wherever. And don't worry about shedding. The apostle John got it all wrong - I didn't cast Satan into a lake of fire: I gave him a dustbuster and am making him vacuum up dog fur for all eternity. Well, that and clean my cats' litter boxes. Now THERE'S eternal torment.

Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Why would you want a dog name associated with a car? Cars are unreliable, capricious, ill-natured, constantly breaking down - I'm surprised humans haven't named all their cars after cats. Well, maybe except for Hondas and Toyotas. How about the Honda Retriever or the Toyota Mutt? Remind me to get the Pope to put that in his next encyclical.

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

No, but if you bark your head off in the forest in the Philippines, it makes you dinner.

Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Yep. Like you, I like to get a good running start at my dinner.

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

There's maybe one or two mail carriers here, but if memory serves me, considering how lousy the post office's efforts are, I think most postal employees ended up somewhere, um, less hospitable. With dustbusters.

If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad?

Bad dog! What would you rather have: a life of running after stuff, sleeping, eating, barking at things, or one of paying bills, working long hours at a job you don't really care about, waging wars, dealing with politicians, all that? Besides, do you know that humans can't lick themselves clean like you can? (I had to take that out of their design because of the whole uptightness-about-sex-thing.)

More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Oh yeah, remind me to mention that to the Pope also.

When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

No, but I will expect that you'll let me scratch your belly!

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Two things: diddly and squat. I gave 'em free will, made them the second-most amazing creatures in Creation (next to Yours Truly), put 'em in paradise, and they promptly screwed it up and have chosen to do so in every generation since. This guy Augustine thought that idea of Original Sin had to do with sex, but I know that Original Sin is the passing on of bull-headed stupidity. See the writings of one of my creations by the name of Douglas Adams, and his stuff on dolphins. Makes me fall off my Throne laughing every time I read it!

Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the Poodle across the street!

Poodles. What the HECK was I thinking when I made the poodle?!? And THEN, humans go and miniaturize them. Creepy! Oh, your question, right. I can't really reveal much at this point (just in case one of you accidentally says something to a human), but let's just say that the humans in the Middle Ages weren't too far off the mark when they named Sirius the Dogstar...

Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpet thing, again?

Well, it depends what restaurant you try to get into. The Americans are all uptight about the fur thing in their food. (By the way, I'm doing some alterations to the laws of sub-sub-atomic physics to make it so that dog fur in food tastes just like chicken.) Some restaurants are so noisy that it would be enough to drive even you dogs away, and need I remind you that if you went into some restaurants in the Far East, you'd end up on the menu?

Dear God, May I have my testicles back?

Sorry, guy, but even I have to respect the great Bob Barker's admonition to "have your pet spayed or neutered." Good bye, everybody!

(For more proof about the importance and high regard for dogs in heaven, see Heaven and Dogs)