Answering Machine Message for the Mental Health Institute

• Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
• If you are obsessive or compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
• If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
• If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6
• If you are paranoid, we already know who you are and what you want, but stay on the line while we trace your call.
• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
• If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
• If you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9.
• If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.
• If you are dyslexic, press 696969696969.
• If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
• If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
• If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.
• If you have a masochistic complex, please press "0" for the operator. There are 200 calls ahead of you.
• If you are depressed it probably doesn't matter what you press, it won't do you any good anyway.
• If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.