The Secrets of Women's Language:
Key-words and their meanings
(a must-read for any man)
- This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel
they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how
a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
- Five Minutes
- This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an
- This means "something," and you should be on your toes.
"Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has when
she wants to cut you, slice you and cover you with hot bacon grease.
"Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes"
and end with the word "Fine".
- Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows)
- This is a dare so don't be an idiot. One that will result in a woman
getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
- Go Ahead (normal eyebrows)
- This means, "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't give a d*&#. You
will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by
"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes"
when she cools off.
- Loud Sigh
- This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot,
moron or troll at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her
time standing here with your sorry ass, and arguing with you over
- Soft Sigh
- Again, not a word, but a nonverbal
statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually
understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not to move, flinch or
breathe and she will stay content.
- This word followed by any statement is
trouble. Example: "Oh, let me get that", or: "Oh, I talked to him about
what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement,
RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. Run far, run fast and NEVER EVER
look back. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done
tossing your PC, DVD player and big screen TV out the 11th floor window,
but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. "Oh" as the
lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a big ol'
greasy lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get
raised eyebrows and the statement "Go ahead", all followed by
unspeakable acts so hideous they are unprintable.
- That's Okay
- This is one of the most dangerous
statements a woman can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to
think long and hard before implementing payback. Hell hath no fury as a
woman scorned. "That's okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and
used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in
the near future when she has plotted and planned, you'd better be ready.
You're gonna look like a Section 8 eviction, shit all out on the curb.
Check your mirrors for the next 6 months. "That's Okay" is
often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised
- Please Do
- This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the
chance to dig the hole you're in even deeper as you try to come up with
an excuse or reason for doing whatever it is you have done. You have
a chance to tell the truth ... but don't. Lie like a rug and stick to
it like Velcro. STICK TO THE LIE!!! But be careful you don't get a
"That's okay". If you do, stick and move baby, stick and move.
Skillets and pots will be flyin.
- A woman is thanking you. Do not faint or pee
yourself; just say you're welcome and don't move the rest of the day.
- Thanks a Lot
- This is much different from
"Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks a Lot" when she is really about to
"catch a case". It's 'bout to be on, up in here. It signifies that you
have hurt her in some cold, callous way. She will probably call her 4
brothers to come over and mop the street with your brains. These words
are usually followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is
wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".
- You did WHAT?
- This means she found out about that
hoochie across town and you'd better crawl out the window and creep up
the sidewalk like a cat. She's about to get her piece, so step ... and
step hard. Forget your car, just run and hide. You can come back and
get your ride. If "You did WHAT?" is followed by "you bastard", hit the
floor immediately, cause she's about to set the chamber on that 9 that
she keeps under the pillow.
I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...
(obviously written by a man who has gotten in
more than his share of trouble...)