Being a Guy

Note that there are two sections on this page. See also Facts about Men:

Reasons It's Great To Be A Guy!

1. Phone conversations last 30 seconds
2. You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
3. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
4. Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
5. You can open all your own jars
6. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight
7. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind
8. When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying
9. You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go
10. You can go to the bathroom without a support group

11. Your last name stays put
12. You can leave a motel room bed unmade
13. You can kill your own food
14. The garage is all yours
15. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
16. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"
17. You never have to clean the toilet
18. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
19. Wedding plans take care of themselves
20. If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend.

21. Your underwear cost $7.50 for a pack of 3
22. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
23. You don't have to shave below your neck
24. You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night
25. If you are 34 and single, no one notices
26. Chocolate is just another snack
27. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
28. Flowers fix everything
29. You never have to worry about other's feelings
30. Three pair of shoes are more than enough

31. You can say anything and not worry about what people think
32. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe
33. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
34. Car mechanics tell you the truth
35. You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
36. You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "he must be mad at me."
37. One mood, all the time
38. You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him
39. Same work.......more pay
40. Gray hair and wrinkles add character

41. Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental 100 bucks
42. You don't care if someone is talking behind your back
43. You don't pass on the desert and then mooch off someone else's
44. If you retain water, it is in a canteen
45. The remote is yours and yours alone
46. You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom
47. If you don't call your buddy when you said you would he won't tell your friends you've changed
48. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
49. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
50. You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny

51. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
52. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
53. You don't have to remember everyone's birthday and anniversary
54. Everything on your face stays its original color.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
56. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
57. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with. "So, notice anything different?"
58. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
59. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
60. You almost never have strap problems in public.

61. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
62. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
63. You don't have to shave below your neck.
64. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
65. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
66. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
67. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
68. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Facts about Men: (obviously written by a woman)

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow instead of a gun.

8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.

10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

23. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

24. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

25. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

26. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

27. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.