Headlines of 2035

• Florida to Be Readmitted to Union
• Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock in Northwestern US
• Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen
• Great and Benevolent Galactic Ruler Reveals That Anal Probes Were "Just For Fun"

• Mother Monica Dies: Revered Heroine of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past With US President
• Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome Young Actor. "This Is True Love," He Beams.
• Construction Begins On Grenada War Memorial In D.C.
• Cody, Cassidy Gifford Elude Authorities. Drug-Crazed Crime Spree Continues

• President "Bonecrusher" Jones to Face Chief Justice "Mad Dog" Ortega In Cage Match
• Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens
• Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With Ex-Wife
• Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants

• Younger Generation's Music Provokes Outrage of Elders
• D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow
• Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby's
• Nursing Home Lawsuit Case: Clinton Denies Candy Striper's Allegations

• Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-NabiscoExxon-Mobil of Monopoly Charges
• 50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise are Key to Weight Loss
• Baby Conceived Naturally, Scientists Stumped
• Cancer Research Results In: It Wasn't the Cigarettes - It Was the Ashtrays

• George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
• Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
• Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches
• New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, baseball bats, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers be registered by January 2036

• White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.
• Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
• Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
• Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

• Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
• Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
• Capital Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
• IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.
• Cal Ripken Jr. Reduced to DH Role
• Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.