Notice to Americans of Revocation of Independence from the Government
of her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your
failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,
we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except
Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside
your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for
further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect
- You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up interspersed".
- There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf.
- Arrest Mel Gibson for treason.
- You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
to get confused and give up half way through.
- You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American"
football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead
play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the
girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time,
be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but
does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing
full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at
least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
- Stop referring to the "World Series" of Baseball and instead call
it the "USA, Cuba and Japan Championship."
- Learn to enjoy warm flat beer and steak and kidney pudding. Train
waitresses to be more aggressive with customers and not to tell you
their names before you eat.
- You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that
there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for
- July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
- Driving on the left is now compulsory - recall all cars to effect
the change immediately.
- Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.