Darwin Awards '98
Just when you do something that you think is the dumbest thing you ever
did, along comes someone else to make you feel smarter. (Keep in mind that some of
these don't fully qualify for Darwin awards since they have survived - so far)
(See also the 1997 Darwin Awards)
- AUGUSTA, ME
- Four people were injured in a string of bizarre accidents. Sherry
Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim
Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his
chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and
Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten
off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work
and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him.
"I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was
really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it
couldn't have been for more than two seconds". However, cab driver
Vegas did see, and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and
into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building.
Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth.
The crash of the cab against the building making her jump, tearing
Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing
two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a
falling piece of the medical building.
- TAOS, NM
- A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control
vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture
describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator
arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie
Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being
unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized
something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a
sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few
blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth,
throat and stomach with no ill effects.
- TACOMA, WA
- Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows
Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and
at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30a.m. Upon
arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had
brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered
and pointed out that a coil of cable had been left near the railing.
Bingham's tied one end to his leg and the other end was tied to the
bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his
foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy
river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can
say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on
that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's
foot was never located.
- RENTON, WA
- On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery.
This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the that he had no
previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices
as listed below:
- The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;
- The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed
handguns in public places;
- To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol
car parked at the front door;
- An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter,
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and
fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire,
removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew
their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
- MOSCOW, RUSSIA
- A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were
guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him
against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a
heart wound. It is good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of
the Darwin Awards.
- In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to
commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose
around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He
drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot
himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet
missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the
threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking
extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged
out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to hospital, where he
died ... of hypothermia.
And the winner is:
- Japan Times-April 16, 1997
- "The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of
"Pumping", a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told
reporters. "If this perversion catches on, it will destroy people's
manhood." He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old
Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's emergency
room. "Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he
explained, "inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving
themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. This act is a sin
against God." Charnchai took it further still. He started using a
two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him,
and he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air
hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it so, under
cover of darkness, he snuck in. Not realizing how powerful the machine
was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the
slot. As a result, he died virtually instantly, but passersby are still
in shock. One woman thought she was watching a twilight fireworks
display, and started clapping. "We still haven't located all of
him.", say the police authorities. "When that quantity of air
interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded. It was like
an atom bomb went off or something." "Pumping is the devil's
pastime, and we must all say no to Satan, "Ratchasima concluded.
"Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump
where it cannot tempt you." Let's hear it for Charnchai
Puanmuangpak, the NEW 1998 undisputed winner.