Why did the chicken cross the road?

VICE PRESIDENT GORE

I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them. I will fight with every ounce of my heart and soul for those chickens.

-Or-   I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH

I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road. That's how we do it in West Texas. At least that's what my advisors tell me.

-Or-    We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

SENATOR LIEBERMAN

I believe that every chicken has the right to worship his or her God in his or her own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in his or her own way.

SECRETARY CHENEY

Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.

RALPH NADER

Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.

-Or-   The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

BILL CLINTON

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please?

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH

I don't think I should have to answer that question.

RONALD REAGAN

What chicken?

RICHARD NIXON

The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

PAT BUCHANAN

To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH

I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN

The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

JERRY FALWELL

Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it - the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

JOHN LENNON

Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

BILL GATES

I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

MARTHA STEWART (2002)

If the chicken crossed the road on my property, I would be fully justified in blocking its exit until the local authorities could arrive to arrest it for trespassing. I am a private person and should not have to be subjected to the "innocent mistakes" of common chickens.

-Or-   No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

BARBARA WALTERS

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it overcame a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of "crossing the road"

KEN STARR

I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the President of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers).

SADDAM HUSSEIN

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

L.A.P.D

Give us ten minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

JOSEPH STALIN

I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

ARISTOTLE

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX

It was a historical dialectical proletariat inevitability.
Translation: It was a historical inevitability.

BUDDHA

If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

CARL JUNG

The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

VOLTAIRE

I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

JOHN LOCKE

Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.

ALBERT CAMUS

It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

OLIVER STONE

The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

THE POPE

That is only for God to know.

IMMANUEL KANT

The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.

MC ESCHER

That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.

GEORGE ORWELL

Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.

NIETZSCHE

Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

B.F. SKINNER

Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.

JEAN-PAUL SARTRE

In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

EMILY DICKINSON

Because it could not stop for death.

O.J. SIMPSON

It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

FOX MULDER

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? The truth is out there.

SCULLY'S ANSWER

It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.

FREUD

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

THE BIBLE

And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

EINSTEIN

Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

HEISENBERG

To get away from my cat... maybe.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY

To die. In the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

JERRY SEINFIELD

Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

DR. SEUSS

Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed,
I've not been told!

COLONEL SANDERS

I missed one?

Now I personally think that the chicken crossed the road to prove to the possum it could be done.