The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
The patient says, "That is very bad news. What could be worse?"
The doctor says, "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."
The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time."
"Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."
The doctor kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said, "I think I will get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the doctor. "I'll get it for you."
While the doctor was gone, one of the attorneys picked up one of the, doctor's shoes and spat in it. When he returned with the coke the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the doctor obligingly went to fetch the coke. While he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The doctor returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the doctor slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on," asked the doctor, "this fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued... "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition? This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS!'"
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"
"OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."
"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"
"I thought you said he's 13?"
The clerk replies, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner screams, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"
The clerk calmly replies, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."
Then the proctologist fainted.
See also the Amazon book section on Humor: Doctors & Medicine.