Doc Jokes

A Big Complaint

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Bad News and Worse News

The doctor calls up the patient and says, "I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that you have only twenty-four hours left to live."

The patient says, "That is very bad news. What could be worse?"

The doctor says, "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

More Bad News

"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live."

The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time."

"Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."

Who do you sue?

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a doctor took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys.

The doctor kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said, "I think I will get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the doctor. "I'll get it for you."

While the doctor was gone, one of the attorneys picked up one of the, doctor's shoes and spat in it. When he returned with the coke the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the doctor obligingly went to fetch the coke. While he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The doctor returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the doctor slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on," asked the doctor, "this fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

Breast Fed

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She was told to go into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" Breast fed," she replied. Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk." Naturally," she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came."

Distraught Patient

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life"? "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued... "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition? This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS!'"

Scary Cure

A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"

Prognosis Good (from godlaughs.net)

"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."

"OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."

"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"

"I thought you said he's 13?"

A Coughing Funny

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk replies, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner screams, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The clerk calmly replies, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"

Poison

A lady walked into the drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he said "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law. I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail, and all kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not, you can not have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."

Then the proctologist fainted.

See also the Amazon book section on Humor: Doctors & Medicine.