More Job Applicant Stories
Need help finding a job? These are taken from real resumes and cover
letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine:
- I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
- I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.
- Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
- Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
- Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
- Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
- It's best for employers that I not work with people.
- Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.
- You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
- Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
- Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
- I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
- I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
- I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
- I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
- Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
- As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
- Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.
- Marital status: often. Children: various.
- Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.
- The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
- Finished eighth in my class of ten.
- References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
These quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations:
- Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
- I would not allow this employee to breed.
- This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
- He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
See also How Not to Get a Job.