More Job Applicant Stories

Need help finding a job? These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
7. It's best for employers that I not work with people.
8. Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.
9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
11. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
18. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
19. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.
22. Marital status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26. References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

These quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations:

• Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
• His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
• I would not allow this employee to breed.
• This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
• When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
• He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
• He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
• This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
• This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

See also How Not to Get a Job.