DBJ's = Dumb Blonde Jokes of course...
Isn't it strange, that for a group not known for their brilliance,
how many people are dye-ing to be just like them...
A friend says, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy, W."
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us three" and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell that car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it.' Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you ever sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back,"You ARE on the other side!"
They were still arguing when the train hit 'em.
Hours later, the blonde finally struggled to the finish line, exhausted, hypothermic, and nearly drowned. The officials pulled her out, bundled her up in blankets, and gave her a cup of hot cocoa to warm her up. Finally, when she had regained her strength, they asked her what had happened.
She replied, "you know, I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those other two girls used their arms."
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about fifty dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next."
The brunette takes their last $600 to go buy a bull. She tells her sister, "When I get there, if I buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out and haul it home."
The brunette arrives. The man says he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she wants to send her sister a telegram. The telegraph operator explains "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes she can only send her sister 1 word.
After thinking, she nods, and says, "I want to send her the word, 'comfortable.'" The man shakes his head.
"How is she ever going to know you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable' ?"
The brunette explains,....
"My sister's blonde! She'll read it real slow!"
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh, officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up, and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left, and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right, and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
Lotto night comes and she does not win.
Brandi again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my car."
Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... " Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEEEEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God himself... "Brandi, work with me on this. Buy a ticket!"
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"
"I'll take that bet," the blonde replied.
A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilty for having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the $50.
"No, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I owe you $50 dollars."
The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand, Honey. I saw the 5:30 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."
"That's okay," the blonde replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I sure didn't think he'd do it again."
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?" asked the librarian.
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. You must be the person who took our phone book."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
A trucker stops for red light and a girl catches up. (blonde of course) She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. The girl says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. The trucker stops for another red light and the girl again catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window and she says, "Hi my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"
He ignores her again and continues down the street. The trucker stops for still another red light and the girl catches up again all out of breath. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"
He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then stops. The trucker gets out of the truck, approaches the blonde girl and says, "Hi, my name is Kevin and I am driving a SALT TRUCK!"
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.
The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said," Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the Cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder..."
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted.
A blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car before she was pulled over by a female police officer - who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's license. So she started digging through her purse and got progressively more agitated the longer she was unable to find it.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked the cop.
"Well, it's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go... I didn't realize you were a cop."
Just because I'm a blonde doesn't mean I'm automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year -- that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up.
I haven't heard anything back... Guess I won that stupid argument!