A Man's Answers to Every Question a Woman Ever Asks

A frank discussion with answers to commonly asked questions about men...

1. Why are men such jerks?
   It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're not jerks, just misunderstood.
2. Why do men always have to ogle at other women?
   Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
3. Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
   We occasionally need to adjust our three friends to keep them happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
4. Why do men always say such stupid things?
   We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
5. Why are men so uncommunicative?
   You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
6. Why do men have to act like such retards?
   Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.
7. Why can't men just share their feelings?
   Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
8. Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?
   Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
9. How can men sit on their butts all day without moving?
   Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
10. Why can't men just say "I love you?"
    Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
11. Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?
    Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
12. What does it mean when men say "I Love You?"
    
    1. Please sleep with me.
    2. I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did.
    3. I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening.
    4. What did I forget? (This should buy me a little time.)
    5. Stop nagging me.
    6. What do I have to do to get a beer around here?
13. Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
    We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
14. Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
    Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.
15. What's with all the belching and farting?
    This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
16. Why do men hate shopping?
    It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?
17. Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?
    Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please.
18. Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?
    Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't get). What more could any male ask for?
19. Why do men act like they own the remote control?
    What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine-tenths of the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it.
20. Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?
    Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?)
21. Why do men fear commitment?
    Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger... err... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual front air bags & extended rear bumper.
22. What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" or "I don't want a girl friend?"
    It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly.
23. Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?
    As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either.
24. Why do men like younger women?
    Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily impressed, they're also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage. And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.
25. Why do men only have one thing on their minds?
    While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often.
26. How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e. whatever do you see in HER)?
    Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness.