Oil Changing Instructions
- Go to Kragan auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil,
filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
- Make that 65 dollars for nothing but the best synthetic money can buy
(at least that's what the salesman said).
- Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking
back to Kragan to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
- Open a beer and drink it.
- Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
- Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
- In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
- Place drain pan under engine.
- Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
- Give up and use crescent wrench.
- Head of drain plug was really metric and is rounded off anyway; use vise grips.
- Unscrew drain plug.
- Hot oil runs down arm, into sleeve of coveralls (only 2nd degree burns; more beer to kill pain)
- Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
- Clean up.
- Have another beer while oil is draining.
- Look for oil filter wrench.
- Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and attempt to twist it off.
- Screwdriver tears the filter casing leaving the bottom of filter (screw on portion)
attached to engine (()*^&#&%)*(&_&(%)! Should have put a little clean
oil on gasket the last time you changed the oil.
- Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
- Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. (Slosh half of the oil on the ground)
- Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 22.
- Set aside half-full oil pan.
- Child playing in yard falls into half-full oil pan (at least its cooled off by now).
- Wife threatens divorce.
- Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
- Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
- Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean
oil to gasket first (see step 19).
- Just how did you get the old oil filter remains off... Ahhhhh, beer?
- Pipe wrench! (plumbers eat your hearts out)
- Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. (or was that the radiator?).
- Remember drain plug from step 14.
- Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
- Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
- Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
- Bang head on floor board in reaction.
- Grit from underneath of car falls on eyes.
- Wipe eyes with oil drenched hands.
- Begin cussing fit. (23 minutes)
- Throw wrench.
- Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
- Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
- Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
- Don't worry about the oil spilled on the valve cover and manifold, it will burn off.
- Lower car from jack stands
- Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
- Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 32.
- Watch out for the.......Well it was time for a new tool box.
- Drive car... What is that smell...oh yeah, step 47.
- Did I remember to tighten that drain plug after banging knuckles (step 36)?
- Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
- Drink a cup of coffee.
- 15 minutes later, write a check for $29.99 and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Sure seems like a rip-off to pay some flunky 30 bucks to do what you
are darn well capable of Doesn't it now? -- stan k.
Thanks to Stan Krol and his friend Rob Lyle for verifying the accuracy of the men's
scenario and for adding a number of items that had been missed in the original.