Answering Machine Recordings
Actual answering machine answers recordings (some of these are goodies from
the past and some are new - maybe you'll find one that works for you).
Narrator's voice: There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet
paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible
speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.
The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
Hi. Now you say something.
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to
it instead. Wait for the beep.
Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these
Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with
her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want
anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are
clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their
picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number, and
they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and
a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a
message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a
message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right
now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home, and
it's safe to leave us a message.
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very,
sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to
resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns
are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done,
our computers will be able to use the sound of *your* voice for literally
thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this
initial consultation. However, our staff of professional extortionists will
contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our
service and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak
clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
Hi. This is John If you are the phone company, I already sent
the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you
are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a
female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you
leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub,
and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through
their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're
still with me, leave your name and number and they will get
back to you.
Leave a beep after the message
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.