Parenting Readiness Test
Take this simple test to determine whether or not you are ready to have children...
- THE MESS TEST:
- Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the
wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons.
Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
- THE TOY TEST:
- Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may
substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them
all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or
kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a sleeping child.)
- THE GROCERY STORE TEST:
- Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you
as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for
anything they eat or damage.
- THE DRESSING TEST:
- Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag,
making sure that all arms stay inside.
- THE FEEDING TEST:
- Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from
the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert
spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the
mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. When finished,
dump the contents of the jug on the floor and over your clothes.
- THE NIGHT TEST:
- Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of
sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with
the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10pm. Get
up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up
about a dozen more and sing these until 4 am. Set alarm for 5 am. Get
up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
- INGENUITY TEST
- Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of
paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper
tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use
only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk
carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs.
Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
- AUTOMOBILE TEST
- Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice
cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it
there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a
family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into
the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
- THE PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN):
- Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to your front under your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
And try not to notice your closet full of clothes.
You won't be wearing them for a while.
- THE PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
- Go to the nearest drugstore. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to
the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited
to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for
the last time.
- THE FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
- Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they
can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and
child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize
to them that they should never allow their children to run rampant.
Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you have all the