Some of these are supposedly from the books mentioned, others from several separate emails... -jw
Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court (1996). From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:
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Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing
to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
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Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
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Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
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Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
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Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
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Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
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Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
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Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr.Cherney, and said he was really good.
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Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
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Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
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Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
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Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
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Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
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Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
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Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
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The Court: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
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Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
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Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for
the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also,
would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
Mr. Brooks: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
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Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
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Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
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Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
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Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
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Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
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Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on... what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
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Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
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Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- and she did!
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Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
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Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
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Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
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Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
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Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
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Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.
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Q: What is your date of birth?
A: December 30th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
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Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
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Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
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Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
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Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
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Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
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Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
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Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
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Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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Q: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?
A: The young lady is pregnant, but not as a result of my examination.
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Q: Are you going to be generally discussing that issue?
A: If asked a question about it, yes.
Q: Have you, in your mind, thought of a question that might be asked that you're going to offer an opinion on? I'm not going to throw stones into the wind trying to guess what you're going to say.
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Q: When was the last time you saw Mr. Mitchell?
A: At his funeral.
Q: Did he make any comments to you at that time?
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Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
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Q: So, you were gone until you returned?
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Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
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Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
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A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
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Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
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From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
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Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, Sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
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Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too.
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Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand:
Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained while at work?
Plaintiff: Dr. J.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?
Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he was a good plaintiff's doctor.
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Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
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Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung
around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow
hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and
somebody pulled a knife and a rifle that had been hidden under a bed,
and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No, Sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
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Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
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Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the 'Colonel' stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the 'Honorable' in front of your name - not a damn thing.
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Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
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Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional 5 days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
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CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.
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(Note: I do not wish to violate Ms. Gilman's copyrights, but I haven't been able to confirm whether these were really from books by her yet. I'm working on that... to make it more confusing, some of the websites carrying this say that parts are in turn compiled from Richard Lederer's two books, Anguished English and More Anguished English)