Advice for Yankees Moving to the South

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

4. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store.

6. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

7. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

8. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

9. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.

10. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.

11. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.

12. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

13. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.

15. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, its the humidity". And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August."

16. In conversation, never put your hand on a man's shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar.

17. Whenever you hear the words "Come over here an' look at this before I flush it!" Don't look.

18. If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken.

19. If you don't understand our passion for college and high school football just keep your mouth shut.

20. If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull onto the shoulder that is called "courtesy".

21. Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don't ask.
22. Chili does NOT have beans in it.
23. Briskit is not 'cooked' in an oven
24. Bourbon is a food group and beer is the 5th element
25. Duct tape: it ain't just for duct's

26. Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.
27. There are no delis. Don't ask.
28. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in December.
29. We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer!
30. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F-150 is.

31. If someone tells you "Don't worry, those peppers aren't hot" you can be certain they are.
32. If you fail to heed my warning in #28 above, be sure to have a bowl of guacamole handy. Water won't do it.
33. Don't even think of ordering a strawberry daquiri. What you really mean to say is 'margarita.'
34. DON'T DO IT
35. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade.

36. The four food groups are Beer, Bread, Beef and Gravy
37. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors.
38. No matter what you've seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular weekend pastime.
39. "Tea" == Iced Tea. There is no other kind.
40. Everything goes better with Ranch dressing.

41. Be advised that in the South, 'He needed killin!', is a valid defense.