A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels
by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky
from the Journal of Irreproducible Results, Vol. 36, No. 1
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards
legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products
that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the
cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely
scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area.
This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together
in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement
of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered
for sale in the United States of America. Our suggested list of required
warnings appears below.
- This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
- This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe,
Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional
to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance
- The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85
Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
- Handle with Extreme Care:
- This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving
at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles per Hour.
- Consumer Notice:
- Because of the 'Uncertainty Principle,' It Is Impossible for the
Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product
Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
- There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a
Process Known as 'Tunneling,' This Product May Spontaneously Disappear
from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the
Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not
Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
- Read This Before Opening Package:
- According to Certain Suggested Versions of a Grand Unified Theory,
the Primary Particles Constituting This Product May Decay to Nothingness
Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
- This is a 100% Matter product:
- In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact
Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
- Public Notice as Required by Law:
- Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the
Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied
Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to
the Heat Death of the Universe.
- The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by
a 'Gluing' Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and Whose
Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
- Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the
Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
99.9999999999% Empty Space.
- New Grand Unified Theory Disclaimer:
- The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This
Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This
Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to
Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are 'Rolled
Up' into Such a Small 'Area' That They Cannot Be Detected.
- Please Note:
- Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not
Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist
Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
- Component equivalency notice:
- The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This
Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used
in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May
Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
- Health Warning:
- Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and
Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
- Important Notice to Purchasers:
- The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day
Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another
Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That
Universe Cannot be Guaranteed.