Church Bulletin Bombs

Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.

  1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

  2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and meditation to follow. (medication?)

  3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

  4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

  5. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

  6. Thursday at 5.00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the pastor in his study.

  7. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

  8. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

  9. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

  10. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

  11. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."

  12. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

  13. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

  14. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. John Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

  15. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespear's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7:00pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

  16. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

  17. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

  18. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

  19. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

  20. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the St. Peter's Catholic Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

  21. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

  22. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

  23. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

  24. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

  25. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

  26. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

  27. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

  28. The new pastor unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

  29. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

  30. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

  31. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

  32. Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

  33. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

  34. Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

  35. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

  36. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"

  37. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

  38. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

  39. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

  40. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

  41. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

  42. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

  43. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

  44. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

  45. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

  46. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

  47. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

  48. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

  49. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.